The Democrat's conundrum

Indiana Democrats have two choices in the May 6th Primary: Former First Lady Hillary Clinton or the Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

While Wright is popular among younger voters, his controversial remarks as pastor of First Trinity Church have been a cause of concern among older and more conservative voters.

Yellow Cake

Supermarkets seem to use the same yellow cake for everything. There's something called a "Strawberry Shortcake" that's just yellow cake with strawberries and whipped cream on it. There's something called "Pineapple Upside-Down Cake" that's nothing but yellow cake with pineapples and syrup on it. There's something called a "Jewish Apple Cake" that's ... just too horrible to think about. Our children are growing up without knowing what real cakes should taste like. It's just wrong.

Roger's Big Day

Today's the day that Roger Clemens gets to go before congress and lie. He is apparently unaware that lying to congress is a serious offense except when done by a congressman.

Real Choices

During the latest debate, Republican hopefuls Mitt Romney and John McCain each accused the other of having positions on various issues different from their own. Both candidates denied the charge, insisting that they each believe the same thing, and are therefore more qualified than their opponent to lead this nation.

Recession

Well, it looks like the latest recession, which has afflicted the economy since last Thursday, is finally over. One has to wonder why it took the government so long to act. Wall Street traders, those people who make the most important contributions to our economy, made nary a profit for almost a full week.

And it seems clear that the government's action, though belated, was the correct one. What better cure for an economy weakened by a crush of bad loans than to lower interest rates and make money easier to borrow?

Pass Interference

I am among those football fans who despise the "Pass Interference" rule. It seems illogical to me that the HARSHEST POSSIBLE PENALTY is reserved for cases in which a player does nothing more than briefly touch the arm of another player.

There is also irony in the fact the the main purpose of the cornerback - in fact, the entire job description for the cornerback - is to interfere with the receiver's attempt to catch the pass. He is penalized for doing his job.

Sugar Alcohols

There have recently been reports of a "new" scientific study showing that "sugar alcohols" such as sorbitol, xylitol and maltitol can cause severe diarrhea. I don't understand how this became "news"; products such as sugar-free gum, candy and ice cream have have always had warnings about this on their packages.

Of course, in their effort to boil the news to the most important points, "reporters" have focused on the fact that chewing a lot of sugar-free gum can cause "extreme and unexpected weight loss", which is of course a side-effect of chronic diarrhea.

Regardless of the cause, I'm sure that the mere mention of "extreme weight loss" will cause a marked spike in sales of sugar-free gum. I'm surprised I didn't see a Trident ad during that "news" report.

The New Republican Mantra

It looks like the word "Change" is no longer in the exclusive use of the Democratic candidates. Now the Republican candidates also go on and on about "Change". This makes sense, as it's a bit tough to convince people that the only problem with America is that people don't realize how perfect everything is.

Goose Gosage

Goose Gosage was inducted in baseball's Hall of Fame yesterday, only the 5th relief pitcher ever to be inducted.

While Gosage's career was good, he was mainly inducted because he was the only candidate this year who has never been accused of taking steroids.

Dixville Notch

The people of Dixville Notch, New Hampshire (estimated population: 74) have voted, and it is now clear that the Democratic candidate for president will be Barack Obama.

Meanwhile, media pundits are shocked and baffled to find that with only 99.99998% of the US population left to vote, the Republican candidate has STILL not been decided.

Blizzard of '96

I understand that today is the 12th anniversary of The Blizzard of '96, in which 32 inches of snow was dumped over the Philadelphia region. While I have many memories of that storm, the one that is most vivid is of stepping out into the 32-inch snow and being instantly and cruelly reminded that I have only a 29-inch inseam.

The New Hampshire Debate

The candidates are now in New Hampshire, the only state where the voters are deemed trustworthy enough to determine the candidates for president.

The Democrats repeat the word "Change", mantra-like. Not many specifics are given as to what they would most like to "change", except of course the identity of the person residing in the White House. Since there is no incumbent, it is safe to say that all the candidates are advocating "change".

Meanwhile, the Republicans have focused the debate on what is surely the most grave issue facing the people of New Hampshire: illegal Mexican immigrants. Mitt Romney has taken the toughest stance, promising to deport all illegal Mexican immigrants found in New Hampshire - both of them, if need be.

TomTom

My brother, who I suppose has tired of searching for me when I become lost, gave me a TomTom One GPS navigation system as a Christmas Gift.

It's very easy to use. I just attach it to the windshield of my car and it shouts directions at me as I drive. But I've found out the hard way that it is not a toy.

Today I decided to use it to find my way home from work. I actually know how to get home from work. In fact, I know several good routes. TomTom came up with a very bad route. And I followed it anyway.

It seemed as though I had no choice - TomTom told me when and where to turn, and I did. I knew it was a bad idea, and I did it anyway. My commute took more than twice the time it usually does.

Unless I learn to stand up for what I believe in, I don't think I should use this device unless I really need to.

Iowa Caucuses

After an evening of ancient and arcane ritual, the people of Iowa have presented us with their choices for the major-party candidates in the 2008 presidential election:

Mike Huckabee had a surprisingly strong showing, buoyed by his performance as a bass player on The Tonight Show and his performance as an actor in the movie I Heart Huckabees. Fear of reprisal by Chuck Norris may also have played a part in the decision.

Barack Obama edged out John Edwards and Hillary Clinton on the strength of his not being either John Edwards or Hillary Clinton.

The campaign now moves to New Hampshire, where a small group of farmers and backwoodsmen will give a more credible and influential assessment of the candidates.